Welcome back to Tindergarten. Today in class we’ll be deconstructing the best and worst things we’ve read on Canberra’s Tinder app. Let’s just say the line between bad and good is very very thin.
Bad: “I want to get to the Bone Zone”
I mean it’s catchy and it rhymes. But I feel like one of my 90s boyfriends would have written this. Like who the hell says “bone” anymore?!!
Good: “I was ugly growing up so I have a good personality”
This says funny, humble and down-to-earth. Future children’s genetics may have to be seriously considered though.
Bad: “Howdy howdy, let’s get rowdy”
Alas, another poet. But I’m just picturing chaps, a bare butt and half a set of teeth, best-case scenario.
Good: “Tall dark n’ handsome. And extremely f*ckin random”
Let’s play a game called two truths and one lie (or is it two lies and one truth?) Loving the f*ckin random use of the “n’” though.
Bad: “Seeking exuberant personalities interested in attending a bucks party on 7 March as a bikini waitress- sounds like fun for an easy couple of hours paid work? Totally professional, let me know and I can give you full details”
One question, how much? But seriously: “Exuberant personalities”? What if I’m an introvert with great jugs? (I am). Pretty sure the Ombudsman would define this as workplace discrimination. Is this Tinder or Craigslist? (Also if you see me in a bikini at a bucks party, mind ya business).
Good: “What is this? I can’t even”
Same buddy, same.
Bad: “Find anyone better and I’ll spew in my hands and eat it”
Those are some good odds.
Good: “Why does everyone’s requirements say ‘non-smoker, non-drinker and must be tall’ well here are my requirements: You must like Pandas. You must love Pandas, because I am a Panda”
Ok maybe I just liked this because it was reminiscent of Shirty the Slighty Aggressive Bear of early 1990s The Late Show fame. Unfortunately, this durry-smoking bear seems more appealing than a lot of the men of here.
Bad: “I’ll suck your toes if they’re pretty”
I mean, they’re pretty in a Tingers (toes so long they look like fingers) kind of way. But, like, five Indian men have offered me money for this in my DMs, so as a single mum I think the Barefoot Investor would recommend me swiping left.
Good: “Since I got back from Bali I’m loving not having to check for an Adam’s apple on you girls anymore”
Umm WOT??! Plus side: he’s an international traveller ladies, I mean he’s practically Pitbull.